I had my first visit to an actual gym last week, a milestone that had been long awaited after 17 months of COVID caution. Surprisingly, I found myself embarrassed to share that I had been too afraid to attend the gym. I was worried about what others might think. Those who had been attending regularly for the past year and didn’t understand my hesitation.
That visit was quickly followed by my first time back in a theatre, less than a week later. Those two events had me reflecting over just how long it had been since I had done activities that used to give me life. I knew I had missed out on quite a bit during that time, but I am still discovering the momentous losses incurred and the many ways the pandemic changed my life.
I was one of the lucky ones, right? I kept my job, was able to work remotely, and more importantly, managed to protect my surviving kidney in the best way I knew how. I also somehow escaped the crushing pain of losing a loved one to the virus, which I am grateful for every day. But this time of isolation was anything but normal for us all and the mental turmoil it took can transcend those aspects of pre-COVID life we may have held onto.
Not only were we all stripped of the opportunity to pursue our passions, but we were forced to exist inside our own four walls. Bodies were being kept in refrigerated trucks all around us and supplies seemingly hard to come by. Children weren’t getting quality education. We were kept from seeing and spending time with the people we love and shamed for it when we did have social gatherings. The anxiety over the virus being contracted through touch, smell, and sight, was almost crippling.
Looking back, the weight of the losses incurred is heavy with me today. I lost my drive to perform, something that was essentially my whole world before this time. I lost my career momentum and a lot of the progress I had made as performer. I lost relationships, and in turn, my self-worth and self-esteem. I lost my mental health while trying to protect my physical health.
The mind is so interesting. Without us making conscious decisions, it can take us into survival mode, blocking out the things that were the most painful for us. I admit that I’m going through some of this and acknowledge that my brain is instinctively avoiding the things most difficult for me to process. For now, it feels okay because it’s a relief from suffering, but I realize that eventually I will need to face my demons head on. Just thinking about having to talk through deep matters makes me tear up, which makes me realize I may not be ready right now. The walls I have up around my deepest emotions are massively thick and it feels like my mind is trying to desperately protect my vital organs from feeling right now.
Attempting to get back to a sense of “normalcy” has felt good in many ways, but the underlying condition is still present. While yes, I can already feel my body getting stronger from the workouts I’ve done, I am still comparing myself to other women. I am still searching for a “why” and trying to solve my inquisitions by placing impossible standards on myself. I am still sitting in the mindset that maybe if I am the most successful, the most fit, the most sexy, fun, educated, etc etc etc then maybe I can avoid any potential future pain. I’m creating toxic competition and letting it motivate and consume me, which is a glaring sign that I still have a long way to go.
Trying to be true to who you really are, no matter how others may perceive you, is the goal. Knowing I deserve love and acceptance for what I have to offer is still a concept I’m learning to fully believe. Getting there seems far off right now, but it’s still early in the process. I have to be the one to not give into destructive behavior patterns and thought cycles, something I’ve never been very good at. I have to release the power that other women hold over me and pursue progress that is just for me. I have to focus on my goals for myself and not compare my growth to others or past versions of myself. Hopefully, the more physical and mental progress I make, the more these goals will feel in sight.
