I recently signed up to take some online group therapy classes and got to attend my first one yesterday! It was structured more in a presentation style, Powerpoint and all, which I really responded well to. That sort of studious, lecture format helps me better absorb information and understand it before applying what I learned. I sat down with my trusty pen and paper to take some notes that I would love to share with you all. Learning about the foundations for exploring our behavior and how to make changes to better ourselves and our relationships is absolutely fascinating to me and just so happened to be the focus of this first class.
The overarching concept we discussed was Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), which is a type of cognitive behavioral therapy. The main goals of this type of therapy are to teach people how to live in the moment, cope more healthily with stress, regulate emotions, and improve relationships with others. We spent some time exploring the three mindsets that are the building blocks of DBT — Emotion Mind, Reasonable Mind and Wise Mind.
Emotion Mind is the state when our feelings control our thoughts and actions. It becomes very hard to view situations through a rational, objective, or factual lens when in Emotion Mind. In this state, our decision-making and planning capabilities may be distorted. For an individual who has trouble regulating their emotions, this state is often referred to as being “hot” because emotions are in the driver’s seat and the engine is on overdrive. If you find yourself living primarily in Emotion Mind, you may also have been told that you are too sensitive or too reactive. Examples of Emotion Mind behavior might include yelling something hurtful out of anger, binging or purging food to change feelings of sadness, or quitting something because you’re afraid of failure.
Now, contrary to Emotion Mind is Reasonable Mind. When in Reasonable Mind, we are evaluating situations through a reasonable or logical brain. We will use facts, statistics, thinking and planning to problem-solve. In this state we may feel as though our attention is focused on the task at hand and we are unaware of our emotions. Those who live too much in a Reasonable Mindset may often be perceived as cold or detached. Repressing your emotions can also include physical manifestations of stress, anxiety, fatigue, and even insomnia. For example, you may ignore your feelings of anger at a friend who hurts you or reschedule your day because you “should” say yes when your mom asks you to do something.
Most people tend to lean one way or the other, and both states of mind have useful attributes. I know personally, I am extremely guilty of living in Reasonable Mind more often than not and approaching people in the same way that I might handle a math problem – systematically. I prefer to collect my data and analyze from all angles before making a decision, which can leave out the very important element of emotional connection. When an individual spends too much time in either Emotion or Reasonable Mind, they are bound to experience frustrations in their interpersonal dealings and within themselves.
Enter Wise Mind! This is the overlap or balance between Emotion and Reasonable Mind. Individuals living in Wise Mind are able to utilize both reason and emotion, taking the middle path to cultivate emotional sensitivity in conjunction with logical approach. A Wise Mind lives intuitively, taking the time to observe and practice mindfulness. In Wise Mind we are able to use our valuable emotions, while collaborating with rational thought to identify solutions and problem solve. Finding this balance is one of the primary goals that DBT practice helps you develop.
To illustrate the three mindsets, let’s think about if I go to the gas station looking for a snack while I’m feeling really stressed. I may make different choices based on what state of mind I’m in. In Emotion Mind, I personally am likely to grab a large Dr. Pepper (light ice to make room for more soda) and a couple of candy bars. If I go to the same gas station in Reasonable Mind, I may lecture myself on the importance of eating healthy and just buy some fresh fruit and a bottle of water. On the other hand, if I take my Wise Mind with me, I will probably choose a bottle of flavored seltzer water and a small package of beef jerky or peanut butter crackers, still relatively healthy but also items I really enjoy the taste of. Keeping in mind that balance between your Emotion and Reasonable Minds, what would be your go-to Wise Mind snack?
So then, the question becomes, what can I do to recognize my current mindset and achieve Wise Mind?
Through the development of a mindfulness practice, we learn how to be in the present moment and to see and accept reality without delusion and judgment. If we are angry about a certain situation, we are encouraged to notice and acknowledge the thoughts associated with our anger as well as any physical sensations we may experience. Participate in your awareness without judgement and without reactivity. Become an observer of your thoughts, watching and labeling the thought and working to let it go. One useful metaphor for this is to think of sitting by a river watching leaves float by, with each leaf representing a thought or feeling you may be experiencing.
When you are living in Emotion Mind and you are feeling like everything is getting to you, ask yourself what is contributing to this mindset? Did I eat enough? Did I sleep enough? Am I connecting with people enough today? Build awareness of your thoughts and what you do with them, including how you allow them to shape and impact your life. Learn to identify and let go of emotions that are causing distress or contributing to moments of poor decision making.
And we may be more likely to be in Reasonable Mind while at work, but it’s extremely important to incorporate emotional connection into our daily interactions. For some, it can be hard to effectively express emotion, and we tend to either keep our emotions bottled up or not show them to anyone. Regarding emotions as a sign of weakness has been a hot-button issue over time, especially in the upbringing of our young men. However, emotions play a huge role in how we understand the world and communicate to others and it is very important that we learn how to connect more with our emotional self. Take time to ask yourself how you feel everyday and then talk to others about those feelings. Find ways to express emotions creatively and even try mirroring your loved one’s expressive faces and body language.
- Observe by watching your thoughts and feelings without pushing them away. Let them happen even when they are painful. Label what you observe with words. “I am having an urge to drink” or “I feel angry!”
- Describe without interpretations by sticking to what you observe. Just the facts. For example, “She is speaking with a loud voice” rather than “She has a bad attitude!”
- Take a Non-Judgmental Stance by not evaluating anything as GOOD or BAD. Stick to the observable facts you just noticed. And when you find yourself judging, don’t judge your judging.
- Participate by throwing yourself into the present moment and not focusing on yesterday or tomorrow. Fully experience what is happening around you in this moment, by living in the now. Devote your attention to one single thing and don’t let past and future distractions get in your way.
- Be Effective without allowing emotions to control your behavior. Stop, take a deep breath, and think about the consequences of your reactions. What is going to be the most helpful and effective response to the situation for me, my partner, and others?
Once you have accomplished this, it becomes about applying the concept to your interpersonal interactions. Practice active, reflective listening to help you and your partner get to wise mind. Acknowledge the other person’s feelings and/or objective reasons. Doing this will validate the other person and help them feel that they are worth listening to.
