It was one of those mornings where the universe seemed to rain down it’s wrath upon me and make sure I knew that life is never easy, no matter how much you plan and prep. There are several reasons why I haven’t been able to audition over the past year (which I’ll cover in future posts), but one of my biggest obstacles has been my inability to multitask lately. I used to be the QUEEN of getting multiple projects completed at once, but over the past year, my anxiety has me getting overwhelmed so much easier than I used to. I have a much more difficult time managing stress lately, which leaves me wanting to cocoon myself in my own little comfort bubble and never get out or let anyone in. So, I said to myself, “You are already doing something big today. You are already doing something that is going to push you as a performer and force you to step outside your safe place and take a peek at the world again.” For that reason, I decided that my primary goals for today were to:
1. Stay comfortable. Don’t force too many changes too fast.
2. Take lots of deep breaths.
3. Let go of the things you can’t control.
I wanted to add a fourth goal of don’t forget why you are doing this, but I’m honestly not there yet. So, today, we stick with three and hope that they lead to enough inspiration to get up tomorrow and do the same thing all over again, or at the very least, start a blog to hold yourself accountable. 😉
Because of my anxiety, I have been driving my car everywhere lately. It’s an extension of my “comfort zone” and a place that allows me alone time to keep stress levels in check. Well, today, I took the subway on this very important morning, and of course, there were major delays. It took me twice as long to get to NOLA as it usually does and caused me to be 8 minutes late to the dance call, instead of 30 minutes early like I had planned. I did that thing we all do when we’re running late of checking the clock at every stop and trying to calculate exactly how much time it was going to take me to get to my stop. I started obsessing over how unprofessional this was and what exactly I would say to the monitor when I walked in the holding room. I felt my heart rate rising and realized that this was doing me no good whatsoever, so I took some deep breaths and tried to think about anything else until I got to my stop. It worked. Focusing on other thoughts calmed me down long enough to jump off at my stop and start that brisk New York walk towards the audition studio. I was feeling semi-moderate levels of comfort until I walked into the holding room and saw that the entire room was EMPTY. No bodies, just dance bags and winter coats strewn about. I panicked and immediately started debating whether or not I should stay. I figured that they would at least be taking people in groups and that I would go in at a later time, but apparently there were just enough people to fit everyone in at once. Not my day. So, as my eyes were darting around and I was trying to figure out what the hell to do, the monitor popped around the corner and saved me. She checked me in and told me it was no problem to go ahead and go on in, so I threw on my shoes and headed that way. I opened the door to a packed room and quietly slinked my way to the back corner. I picked up where the choreographer was teaching and had no trouble placing those steps in my brain, until he said the dreaded phrase, “let’s go from the top”. I just stood there like a baby deer in headlights and tried to pick an experienced dancer who I could clearly see and watch carefully. I quickly figured out that I had missed the MAJORITY of the combination in the short 10 minutes that I had been absent and literally had no clue what the hell I was going to do. Instead of trying to learn the combo, my brain immediately shut down and I started thinking about whether or not I should leave. Should I tell the monitor that I wasn’t feeling well or had an emergency and needed to step out? Is it better to just not do the dance call at all or make an attempt and look like an inexperienced fool? My mind was focusing on all the wrong things.
Luckily, the choreographer was quite possibly the nicest person on the planet and made several statements about this being a learning experience and a safe environment. I wasn’t the only one who came in late, so people started asking questions about what we had missed, which allowed me opportunities to catch up. I still was having massive amounts of trouble chaining steps together in my brain and I was letting it get the best of me. I was 100% overwhelmed and now, not only did I have the physical limitations of not exercising since God knows when, but I had caused myself these mental limitations that I knew would make or break me. When he split us up into small groups, I actually stood on the side the entire time and didn’t take the floor because I knew I wasn’t going to be able to execute the combination. I’ve never done anything like that before. I had to just try and study with my eyes as fast as I could to commit this to memory without actually physically attempting anything full out. When they announced it was time to perform, I literally started feeling like I was going to pass out. Those who know me know I struggle with lightheadedness and syncope, especially when I overexert myself with no food in my belly. I was terrified. You start doing that thing where you hold your breath while they are calling the names in the groups of three, and every group you’re not in, you let out a huge sigh of relief and tell yourself, you have two more chances to watch these dancers and commit the combination to memory. I did that for every group. After approximately six groups, I started to feel like maybe the universe decided I deserved a break. I started to piece things together and even started feeling comfortable with the combination. I started to add personality and have fun instead of looking like that girl on the side who is this completely mortified, lost little puppy.
Because I had come in late, I was in the last group and the last person to be called. I felt like I was finally ready and it was now time to perform. I turned on the charm during my dreaded 2 eight counts of improv at the beginning and tried to work the room and muster up what little confidence I could. The casting director even said my name! She literally yelled out, “YAUSSS Michelle!” during improv!! I couldn’t believe it. I took those words and let them breathe life into my old ass bones and gave it every ounce of energy I had. We did the combo twice and it was far from perfect. Honestly, the whole thing was a complete blur and I’m just so thankful I didn’t end up vomiting everywhere or blacked out on the floor with a crowd of people around me.
I had quite literally considered quitting 525,600 times and I was so shocked that what I was sure would be a negative experience, turned out to lean more in my favor than I could have ever imagined. The choreographer really didn’t take many notes and I’m sure just showing up to the dance call and being asked if I could tap benefited me FAR more than quitting ever would. I made some huge strides today and went through the gambit of emotions to ultimately return a positive result. I left that room making a promise to myself that my lazy ass was going to stop wasting this life and wasting this body by not working as hard as I possibly can every day. I realized that I really do have potential (whether I believe it or not) that I am squandering away. There are people out there who don’t have the opportunities I do and the privilege to be able to dance every day and me not taking full advantage of every moment is only doing myself a monumental disservice. I came to this city for a reason. I don’t want to ever look back on my past and think that I didn’t accomplish anything because I quit when the going got tough. Because I stood in my own way and didn’t set tangible goals. I won’t let my comfort zone keep me from pushing boundaries and doing all I can with this life I’ve been given.
If you see me on the street, ask me when was the last time I went to a dance class. Ask me if I’ve accomplished something meaningful today. Let’s hold each other accountable. I was inspired today and I want to give back by paying it forward. Tomorrow’s another day with another audition! I’ll keep you guys posted!
